why did you write an essay?

Because he thinks that my fucking mom doesn’t like him and like that’s not even the situation the situation is the fact that I was not able to talk to him like all weekend because of the fact that I left my house and went to my cousins house and we were out on the lake all weekend and we had my little cousin and she had my fucking phone watching Cocomelon and shit on YouTube but the only reason why I like I left my house in the first place is because I didn’t want to be around whenever my father and my mother were finalizing divorce papers like I didn’t wanna be around that and of course I came home this morning at like 7 o’clock and my house is a mess those glass all over the floor chairs thrown everywhere fucking the house is just a mess and like I cleaned it all up And like every time I wear my mom or something like my stepmom like my mom my mom is dead, but like every time I’m around her she get like all pissing and shit and then like she be asking me sometimes like who am I on the phone with and this time like she be telling me to do something she wanted me to do something and like I gotta do it because if I don’t do it then I can get in trouble like not just like get my phone taken or hit me or whatever like shit don’t hit me and it’s very rare for her to take my phone too, but like what I mean, is that She threatens me like if I don’t follow her orders and do what she says that she gonna put me back in foster care and everything or that she gonna make me go stay with my dad whenever he get out of this program that he’s in and he ain’t even gonna have a house so basically I would be a fucking homeless teenager like what But then like from two months from now I’m gonna be staying with my auntie and I don’t asked her so many times I gotta call her every day and I’ll be like yo like whenever you come and get me and whenever I’m staying with you like the day you come get me can we please go to Florida like I need you to take me to the certain place in Florida so that I can meet up with Angel like I really need to see him and every time that I ask her about it she just tells me yes baby girl I got you like the day that I can pick you up, we’ll go down there And you can text him and he can meet up or whatever like she’s even offered me to let him know that he can come and stay at her place and like he ain’t gotta stay in the other room like he can stay with me or if you wanna be in another room cause that’s where he comfortable that he can be in another room And like I have arranged so many fucking plans with my auntie just for Angel and I can’t even tell him about all of it because if that’s not him about every bit of it then what the fuck good as a surprise meant to be like I mean I don’t told him that I’m moving in with her and that she’s already offered for me to go to see him and for him like to be able to see me, but like if you don’t know about the part where she said that he’s welcome to come stay with us like I can’t tell him that cause it’s supposed to be a surprise like what the fuck would it be if I told him just to surprise hey motherfucker, how are you doing? I know I want to be a surprise for him like I wanted to be something special for him. You feel me like I don’t get it but like he think that the reason why I couldn’t talk to him all weekend was cause of my mom or whatever no it’s just because of the fact that I wasn’t really on my phone this weekend like I don’t really understand why he thinks so bad that my mom don’t like him, but he thinks that she don’t like him fucking kills me because my mama does like him. It’s me that I don’t like cause I gotta be some fairytale little fucking princess for her. I gotta be so perfect for her but it’s like whenever I met Angel. All of my walls came down like I have to be somebody that I wasn’t like I could just be me. It was so many times and I’d always get so nervous being on the phone with him. I would do nothing but just talk like I would talk away, not even knowing what I’m talking about, but I’m sure it would just talk and he never got mad at me for it. He just sat there and he listened and there was some things. I said that he giggled about and that made me feel so fucking special and so safe because anytime I’ve never been nervous so I’ve been like this talking in the rain and on everybody’s always told me just to shut the fuck up but he never did. He always just listened and he accepted me and he he learned what I did when I got nervous or he learned that every time I get upset about something or I got something on mine, I just stay silent. He learned that real fucking fast and no one‘s ever paid attention to anything like that except him like that man really fucking he fixed me. I was so broken like I was like a puzzle that was like in 1 billion pieces but then he like came along and within 2.4 seconds just like I was just a two piece puzzle to him like he just put me back together like it was nothing like it was so easy and I was so accepted to it, but I’ve never been so acceptance of my fucking life and then like on top of all of the stress of me losing him right now like my uncle is coming to my house in two months and I ain’t safe around him like he fucking touches me inappropriately and and those things to me that he shouldn’t be doing and Angel knows about that like I told him and then like now I’m losing him for real and I ain’t gonna be able to call Angel and be like hey like I ain’t safe, I need you to come get me because I ain’t gonna come get me. He ain’t gonna be able to cause we ain’t together like that. I ain’t gonna be able to call him and tell him to come get me in the moment he pulls into my fucking driveway. He ain’t gonna be able to hop out the truck and me not run his fucking arms and thank him and fucking cry into his fucking chess dog like I don’t know, man I’m really fucking losing a big part of me and I ain’t never thought I would lose it for real like I really really thought Angel would be it for me for real and I mean at the end of the day, Angel is it for me like I ain’t gonna be with no other man I don’t care whoever tells me you move on you’ll move on you’re still young bitch what the fuck I won’t nobody understands what I mean when I fucking look at them and say, bro, he’s the one like this man is the man I will have his fucking kids one day like I’m so fucking for real bro. I’m really losing everything right now beanie and it really hurts like I feel so empty. My knuckles are all fucked up from punching the fucking wall. It’s a big ass hole in the wall with my blood fucking around it bro like I don’t even know any more beanie I’m so tired of trying so fucking hard just for people to notice me and to notice the fucking pain that I have to put myself through. I’m so tired of having to sit here every day wanting to be alone, but I can’t be alone because every time I wanna be alone, I hear his voice or I feel his fucking arms wrapping around me and telling me everything’s gonna be OK. I can’t lay in my bed no more without giggling and I hit my bed because he has this fucking joke of because every time I’m in my bed and he asked what I’m doing and I say oh nothing laying in my bed he makes a joke and he goes. Oh yeah, my baby is laying in her imprinted bed and now I just fucking cry every time I lay in my bed today honestly, I don’t even wanna sleep in this bed anymore. I’d rather sleep on the whole card floor on the fucking road. I don’t care. I just don’t wanna sleep in this bed anymore cause I can’t lay in this bed and not feel him not laughing at his jokes. He’s my everything here and now I’m losing him and the sad part is that I’ve made so many promises that I would never ever ever leave him and honestly, I’m not breaking that promise cause I’m not leaving him. I’m not gonna give up on him but he’s giving up on me and it really hurts. I promised him that no matter which I come between us I wouldn’t let them come between us and he’s letting my mom come between us is that a thing as she’s not even my real fucking mom she’s my stepmom like my mom‘s dead like what the fuck I care about I’m so fucking weak like I don’t think I can really take this shit no more like I’m really at my wits end, bro I feel like I just got hit by a semi truck for real. I really need him bro. I really fucking love him like I don’t really think anybody understands what I mean when I say that I love him but holy fuck I love him, bro. I have his fucking pictures on my wall. I have a little frame on my nightstand with the picture of a minute. He’s my wallpaper on my phone. His birthday is my password. I have so many notes in my Notes app that are just about him. I’ve written him exactly 84 handwritten letters. It’s so crazy. I never told anyone that I loved them as much as I saw him on a daily basis. I never believed in love until I met him now I’m losing my everything my purpose my reason for living anymore like I was really giving up like he walked into my life and my grandma was dying and I thought I was really gonna fucking die with my grandma like I really told everybody. I was like just say I know like this is gonna be goodbye like for real when my grandma dies, I’m out like this is gonna be peace out for me for real, but Angel stepped in just like the right fucking moments like the night we thought my grandma was done like the night. She really started fucking dying for real for real for we thought she was gonna die. I called Angel and fucking talk to him. I had a habit of burning myself and shit like I burnt myself right before I called him that night, but I called him to fucking stop myself from doing that shit and that was the last time I ever burnt myself for real like I ain’t even thought about picking up the lighter again that night he hung up. The phone was the first time he ever told me that he loved me and he didn’t even notice he said that first, but he hung up and I was like hey I said I was like hey you know what you just said to me he was like yeah I know what I said to you, but I ain’t noticed it so after I had said it, but at the same time like it just felt so right to tell you that I loved you like it just felt normal and I was just like what the hell like everything just felt so fucking real in that moment I was just like what the fuck just happened like even at night like I had took my medication and everything and from that night on I continue taking my medication and started taking care of myself again and picking myself back up but really it wasn’t me picking myself back up. It was Angel picking me up and honestly right now. I feel like he just took me to the highest fucking bridge in the world and drop me like that’s really how I feel right now and it really fucking hurts like I ain’t never felt like this about nobody. I can tell somebody goodbye real fucking easy just to be honest with you. I could tell you goodbye, but it will hurt you, but I wouldn’t feel like this shit right now, bro I don’t understand care about like what the fuck is wrong with me why the fuck do I care so much man? I know what the fuck I care I care because this man is the man that fucking saved my life. This man is the man that made me feel safe like this man is everything bro and now I’m fucking losing him and I can’t fucking handle it so care but I really think that this is for real just gonna be the day that I fucking go silent like I ain’t gonna kill myself but it’s gonna be a lot of silence for real long time but I don’t know right now. I guess I just gotta fucking sit here all night and just hope like fucking hell that he responds to the last five voice memos that I’ve sent him of me explaining some shit to him that I really need him to understand about my life like I just really fucking need this man, bro